The Last of the Lumberjack

I had been dating the "Lumberjack" for about a month. Just to clarify, he is not really a lumberjack but just has that look. You know tall, huge hands, full beard, etc. In the NW, this is a pretty typical look to find. Most either love it or don't. I happen to really like it.

We met through the Internet, though not on a dating site. Far from it. We had met a few times in person and I thought he was pretty cute. He started following me on Twitter and sending me some flirtatious messages. He seemed like he was really interested yet he wasn't asking me out. Then one day when he knew I was working, he came down to the store [I was working in at the time] and spent a little over $100. After that I thought it was pretty obvious that he liked me and I bit the bullet and went ahead and asked him for a drink. Before I met him, I had been telling my friends how I want a man to pursue me, and I don't want to have to be the aggressor in a relationship and there I went and just blew it by asking the Lumberjack out.

We went for a late drink one night. It was pretty casual and I had fun, but kind of felt like if I wasn't the one to keep the conversation going, there would have been a lot of awkward silences. And you know, I just don't really have the energy for that. The Lumberjack insisted on paying for the drinks and hugged and went our separate ways.

I probably shouldn't have wanted to go out again, but for some reason I chalked it up to being a typical first date and thought maybe he'd be more relaxed the next time. He would flirt with me a lot via text and Twitter but not ask me out. So for the next few dates I had to be the one to actually do the asking. Totally annoying. But every time he seemed stoked and he ALWAYS paid for everything. Call me old school, but I kind of think if a man keeps insisting on paying, that that means he has some intention here. That he wants you to know this is a "date."

After the third date with no kiss, I was totally disappointed. Did he just have no balls?

I told myself I was not going to ask him out again. If he wanted to go out, he could get off the fucking couch and ask me for fuck's sake.

So a few days go by and he finally does. We go to a movie and then get a few drinks. Things were going so much better that night. The weight of the conversation wasn't all on my shoulders that night, for the first time. Around midnight I suggested that we get out of there and we go back to his place. I was not planning on sleeping with him. A makeout, some foreplay, sure, but sex? No. Plus, I was at the tail end of my period.

We started making out and the kisses were pretty good. But when one thing started leading to another, he all of a sudden got super aggressive. Weird, right? Weird for a guy who has been such a pansy thus far. I start thinking that he is a lot more drunk than I thought, and maybe I was too because my "rules" kind of went out the window. He took off my pants and started trying to finger me. Now, like I said, I was at the tail end of my period and I had tampon in, which I had told him. So whatever he was doing down there was extremely painful. I kept grabbing his hand and trying to move it, but it was like that just fueled the fire. So I had to flat out tell him to stop. I was in pain! I don't think he had any fucking clue what he was doing. I got up and took my tampon out. I know, TMI, but this is just what happened...I figured that was the reason everything hurt so much. I suggested he get a condom and we just have sex because this whole finger/hand thing was not going well. He got up and got one and when it came down to it, he just couldn't get his dick to stay hard. Yep, definitely DRUNK.

Ugh. That was like the worst sexual experience ever. And the next day it felt like I was pissing knives when I peed. I got totally man-handled and I was embarrassed! I decided I wouldn't be seeing anymore of the Lumberjack and canceled the plans we had made for that Sunday.

The next week I was on vacation for about a week. While I was gone I got some really sweet texts from the Lumberjack that made me reconsider. I thought to myself, well, I do kind of like him and maybe if we're not super drunk, the sex won't be such a traumatic experience. Well, somehow I convinced myself of that and decided to see him upon my return.

The next thing I know, I find myself in his bed again, but this time, everything started out perfectly fine. Normal. Gentle. One thing led to another and pants came off. We started doing it, missionary style, and he was pounding me like a fucking jack-rabbit. Like I wasn't even there. I mean, I was laying underneath him just thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING? I mean, it was seriously like he was fucking a blow up doll or something. I try to stop him because he doesn't even have a condom on and I desperately want him to put one on. So I tell him to and he said to me "I will in a minute." OK, WHAT? NO! At this point in our "relationship" he hasn't even asked me if I'm on the pill or if I'm sexually healthy and he says he will in a minute? It REALLY turned me off that he didn't seem to have any concern for his own sexual health. So I made him stop and get a condom. But I mean, the sex was not going well. However, I'm a lucky/rare breed of woman who can quite easily have an orgasm from sex and thought if I could just get on top of him, I could turn this whole thing around. So I do. And it's going a little bit better. But all of a sudden, he starts pulling my hair. Like PULLING my hair. Like, I'm surprised he didn't pull it all out and it hurrrrrrt. I know that there are a lot of women out there that like this type of thing and that's fine and dandy, but I don't happen to be one of them. I like nice, sweet sex, where I'm adored and taken care of. So I grabbed his hand and said "hey, that's not my thing." He stopped. I mean, let's think about this. Is hair pulling something you do to a girl on the first or second sexual encounter? Not unless she specifically asks for it. At this point, you should be playing it safe, feeling it out, not assuming that every girl likes the same thing. At this point I'm thinking that either doesn't have much experience and his ex girlfriend(s) are fucking weird, or he watches too much porn.

When it was all said and done he said something to the effect of "that was the hottest thing that ever happened to me. Not what I'm used to."

I asked him what he was used to as what just happened (minus the hair pulling) was pretty fucking normal to me. He said it didn't matter and changed the subject.

I laid there for a bit thinking about how bad that all was and how I was going to get out of spending the entire night. There was just no sexual chemistry between us and I really wanted to just leave. He didn't want me to, but I finally convinced him that I had to get home and let my dog out.

I got home at 4:30 a.m. and already had a text from him about how I am "already missed." Yikes. In the morning when I was checking Twitter updates I saw that there was one he wrote after I left his bed saying something like "come back, sleep, we had a good thing going." Uh, we did? I couldn't believe he tweeted that. Was he sex crazy for me now?

I played it off like the next few days I was busy and he seemed to get the hint. Until yesterday when we wanted me to come watch a movie with him, via Twitter. I pretended I didn't get the message for a while and then just said no and let him know that I've been a little depressed (which is true) and that I kind of wanted to be left alone. Call me a douche, but I basically dumped him via social networking site!

Relationships 2.0, people! Easy breezy!